Death of an Irish Sinner
Bartholomew Gill
Avon Books, 2001
Laibach and Have A Bash At This
"Oh boy!"
This nutter in a flat Irish cap jumped off the bandwagon and charged the piñata. WHIFF WHIFF WHIFF.
Now as I'm sure all readers can tell by (1) the crap disguise and (2) the smell of fear, Critical Mick is as timid as Timid Tim. But he tries to live by his so-called principles and sense of right. So eventually....
Confrontation
"Sorry! Excuse me, if you're bashing a piñata, shouldn't you be wearing the traditional blindfold?"
Bartholomew Gill levelled a grave and un-amused glare. "You don't have any notion who I am, do you?"
Critical Mick struggled up an answer, weak when it eventually came. "Your real name was McGarrity- quite close to your-super cool fictional alter ego on the Dublin police, Chief Superintendent McGarr. But you're no more Irish than me. Born in the USA! Ha ha. Though you did graduate from Trinity College Dublin. And you did write some fifteen sucessful novels in your best-selling Death of a... series."
"I'll be kind enough not to mention your own shattering success at Dublin-based crime fiction, Critical Mick."
The less said, the better.
"And, Critical Mick, do you see all those people, up there on the bandwagon? You know who they are?"
Your humbled critic bowed his ashamed head.
"They're my following! Fifteen novels, like you said! From Death of an Irish Politician to Death in Dublin : A Peter McGarr Mystery." What did Publishers Weekly say about it? A not-to-be-missed addition to a not-to-be-missed series. Hey! All those jeering readers agree!"
"I still don't think-"
"Shut yer gob!" Gill said, putting on his best McGarr. "I've got news for you. None of your site's non-existent visitors, and certainly none of my dedicated followers, are going anywhere near you pitiful Amazon Associates links! Ha! You leapt like a jackal, on me penultimate novel, intent on posting some new-fangled know-it-all webpage for your fellow nerds! Shame on you and your ridiculous disguise."
Though Gill brandished his blackthorn whacking staff, Critical Mick somehow found the backbone to stand his ground. "Actually, I decided to treat myself, immediately after passing my Security+ exam. I walked joyfully into Murder Ink, Dublin's best bookshop, then walked out with the clerk's recommendation."
The loyal clerk identified himself with a YEAH! from the wagon.
"And what did you think of this novel? Oh do tell."
Cheese Reported Missing
"Strong opening. Then a quick stumble over details. A CPU is the size of a Tuc biscuit, minus the cheese. How could a lawyer get beaten to death with one?" (See comparison, left. Note the lack of cheese!)
Gill brandished his piñata stick. "How dare you! I was selling detective fiction before you told your first infantile lie!"
"Maybe so. But you can't deny," Critical Mick dodged left, then right. "Death of an Irish Sinner quickly pales into a well-worn Agatha Christie groove. Big country manor? Mysterious murder, house full of guests with secrets?" His Groucho glasses were swept clean off his nose, but Critical Mick remained otherwise unbludgeoned.
"Why... you-! Did you not even notice the wealth of Police procedure, you uncharitable wee-!???"
"OK, there was a supporting cast of cops!" Critical Mick ducked. "But Paul Williams, renowned Crime Correspondent of the Sunday World, might like to discuss those procedures with you!"
Gill dodged around Critical Mick and gave Paul Williams the blackthorn's full force straight in the smacker. A referee tried to call foul, but not a one of Gill's following saw a thing. Booed of the stage, the ref helped Williams to Accident & Emergency and left Mick all out on his own.
"Yer just making a fool of yourself, with your crap attempt at a review of my best-selling Death of an Irish Sinner-!"
"Let's address that for a minute. Who, exactly, is the titular whack-ee? The murderer, that's easy to spot form the start. Lots of dead bodies, but in reflection, which sinner was intended?"
Gill labored as if after a fly, but wasted no breath for words. Reinforcements arrived.
"Now- hehe, hehe- I'm sure that if we all sat down over a fine whiskey, we could all reach a gentlemen's agreement. While daring to mentioning the tangy C word, hehe!"
Gill was put on the defence. "OK, I summoned a sleazy politician! Maybe there's more than one villain! Maybe- he he- we could all just pretend that Chazz Sweeney is a respectable pillar of society, then be shocked when we learn of his corruption? Please?"
The Fianna Fail politico- disgraced even as a character in a detective novel- retreated without another Liam Lawloresque mention of backhanders.
Critical Mick shook his head. "Sorry."
Infuriated, Gill turned his piñata efforts back to his fat, dangling target.
Clash of Forces
"Oh Boy!" cried a familiar voice. Landon R. Danbrown! Slightly tanner from his Caribbean absence. "Is that Opus Dei? Let me take a swing, too!"
"Shove off! I got here first!" threatened Gill.
"No way! You ask anyone on Earth, who's the best Opus Dei basher, they'll scream my name, loud as thunder!"
"Shove off, ya pissant!"
"No, Gill! No one's ever even heard of you. Comparatively. Feel that earth-shaking tremor? That's my following!"
As bandwagons battled, Gill and Danbrown bashed at each other and at Opus Dei, which Critical Mick couldn't understand. "What the Franz Ferdinand-!" he interjected. "Opus Dei is just an alternative rock album from Slovenia! Possibly neo-nazi, but probably just artfag."
"Um," Langdon R. Danbrown dropped his cudgel, then completed: "Don't you mean, What The..."
"I hate clichés," Critical Mick stated.
"Look," Bartholomew Gill flashed, bouncing his blackthorn off the imaginary earth. "If you didn't enjoy my novel, just say so! Don't try to be all clever. Show some respect. Get to your way-off point."
Conclusion
"I was not impressed by this novel." Critical Mick concluded, and stopped trying to jazz things. "So there."
First Critical Mick slammed Michael Underwood, after death. Now Bartholomew Gill. Critical Mick has no respect, and maybe no knowledge or ability or taste.
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Timid Tim's tactic kept Trevor off plastic