An Alluring Sort of Freedom
Meet Monte Davis, one of Katy, Texas's as yet unrecognized sparks, in what may be Critical Mick's most unusual email interview ever. Identity, aspirations, inspirations, determination. Swimps and villains, journeys of fear, love, and self-actualization. Rush! Oh, and mimes.
Please note: what follows is an exchange of emails between Mr. Monte Davis, author of The Machine Man Letters, and someone claiming to be Critical Mick. It is included here as a warning..... please read carefully!
The exchange began with an unexpected piece of fan mail.....
|
GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
I am Critical Mick, spouce of the late Honourable Minister of President here in Cote d’Ivory, and I have spent the last 9 years tiredlessly searching the world for your urgent attention. The President never forgot your kindness in a time of need and spoke always well of. Her last will and testament dekreed that you be rewarded for your generocity and so I humbly seek your assistance in arranging a bank transfer for your Thirty Million Rand (i.e. US$ 8 Million).
To begin processing this gifft I require you to submit the following information:
Full Name
Town and Country of Residence
Age
Details of a Recent Publication
Previous Publications and Sum Wealth Earned
Primary Inspiration
Allergies
At present, i am desperately seeking your assistance and I pray you will readily be of tremendous assistance.
Do accept my highest considerations. I look forward to hearing from you.
Regards,
Obokoro Critical Mick kuruneri
|
Humble and generous Rush fan that he is, Monte swiftly replied....
|
Dear C. Mick,
I normally do not reply to e-mails like yours, but since I am named in your late spouse's will, I will. The US $8 Million you mentioned should keep me pulling levers long-time at the Indian casinos back in Oklahoma. Following is the information you requested:
To begin processing this gifft I require you to submit the following information:
My full name is Monte Lyle Davis.
I am from The Americas. Specifically, I was born and raised in the vicinity of Tulsa, Oklahoma, but now I make my bed in Katy, Texas.
I am forty years old and have been for less than a year now.
My most recent publication, besides The Machine Man Letters, was a story called "Habitats of Humanity" which appeared in The Town Drunk (www.thetowndrunk.org). It's a story about an unusually nice demon who possesses a very mean person, resulting in a personality upgrade.
My stories have appeared in magazines such as Jupiter (UK), Leading Edge (USA), Challenging Destiny (Canada), and Faeries (France). My gross income for twenty years' worth of writing is probably around $1,000. Subtract the cost of envelopes, toner cartridges, and postage stamps, and the net profit comes in around negative $20,000. Fortunately, I've spent so many hours pursuing this obsession that my loss, if measured in dollars-per-hour, is actually quite small. I am so looking forward to the US $8 Million you have promised.
I have often asked myself where my primary inspiration comes from, and I'm not sure I have the answer yet. I suppose it comes from a deep love for the creative process. A blank page can be daunting, but it also offers an alluring sort of freedom that I haven't experienced in many other places. Also- and this is for real- I once sat in an Egg Roll Express and contemplated a nearby gumball machine. It inspired me to write The Machine Man Letters, for I realized that this gorgeous device belonged on the same list that includes fire, the wheel, the printing press, and (of course) those ice-shaving kits for making snow cones at home. Oh, and I'm also inspired by the greatest rock band of all time, Rush.
I am allergic to mimes, clowns, Olympic racewalking, poison ivy, and anything that has anything to do with The Wizard of Oz. I love things that are weird, but The Wizard of Oz is just the wrong kind of weird. It gives me a sick, hopeless feeling in my gut.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Monte Davis
|
Within twenty minutes, Monte received more than six hundred and fifty requests for assistance from foreign charities that he had never heard of, all demanding a tiny but immediate slice of the $8 Million he was to receive. An equal, misdirected number sought the attention of a woman named Katy Texas. After an hour's furious deleting, Monte did come across a further correspondence from Obokoro Critical Mick Kuruneri.
|
DEAR DAVIS
How good it is to hear from you, I hope you are wheel. The sunshine is compliments of the day to you here in Burkino Fasu.
I write to say that the processing has begun and you will soon receive your $18 M US Rand. The ministry of Finance is authorizing them all this morning.
A terrible crime fill sour local news, a famous rock star visitig our beautiful country on a charity mission has been kidnapped by thugs. They will feed him to the lions and tigers unless $412.00 is sent today to Prince Joe Eboh, PO Box 180002, [rest of address withheld by webmaster]. I have been shouting in the streets, "Free Geddy Lee! Save Geddy Lee!" O, if I only has $412.00!
I am sorry the wizard in America made you ill. You will be pleased to know that in my country we do not permit witchdoctoring. There are however still many mimes left from our civil war, they dismember small children every day. It is sad.
You mention in your reply that you are a famous author. Where can I find your books? What new book are you writing now? May I have your autography pleas? To save convenience I have been practicing your autography based on the book you signed for fans on the Internet. It is not good enough though, so please authography the peaces of papers I have just now sent by DHL. We are very poor here, the only paper some bank transferral forms donated by our financial instituition.
Here is a picture that the thugs released of their captive Geddy Lee, I am off to prey for his safe delivery.
O. Critical Mick kruneri
|
The adventure continues....
|
Dear O. C. Mick Kruneri:
It is great to hear that the fund transfer is now being approved. It's about time. In anticipation of the imminent bank deposit, my wife and I have just made an offer on a bigger house here in Katy. Please do what you can to keep the ball rolling.
Now, about the kidnapping. Anyone who harms Geddy Lee will pay a thousandfold for their supercilious idiocy. They will suffer at the hands of a thousand white, forty-something, pot-bellied guys, most of them engineers or computer programmers. Suffice it to say that the $412 is on its way (along with the autographies you requested).
Your note has caused me to rethink my notion that stepping on a mime is a good thing.
I am an author, yes, but so far fame has proven to be a sly prey indeed. The Machine Man Letters is my first "stand-alone" publication. All of my other published works have appeared in magazines or on websites.
I wrote a novel in the nineties, but it stinks and I've cleverly hidden it. I'm now working on the second draft of my second novel. It's called Savanna Rane. I think of it as military science fiction, but the experts will probably call it a space opera. Call it what you want, just don't wait for the movie. As soon as the second draft is finished, I will begin my quest for an agent. (Fee-charging agents need not apply.)
Your Stateside Friend,
Monte
|
As collections agents began to hammer on the door, screaming for payment of vast debts run up by a mysterious deadbeat named "Katy Texas" living at the personal address Monte supplied to Critical Mick, a new letter arrived.
|
O MR MONTEDAVIS
All Monrovia celebrates toonight with the news that Geddy Lee is free! Kongaloosh, kongaloosh!
I also have good word from the Ministry of External Budgeting that youer reward of $80M US is being sent right now, tax freed, as soon as you supply the PIN number for your local bank account.
On the Internet I understand that your book deals with a vigilante like Robert Denero in Taxi Driver, except that he uses a weapon much bigger than a .44 magnum. Can you tell me more about this. Is this a statement on gum control?
We could use strong law enforcerments here in Liberia. I bear most terible news. Thanks to generocity Geddy Lee was freed, but an other gang of thieves then stopped the Rush tour buss. Rush is kidnappered! I include a pikture. $3,897.50 must be paid by 21:12 GMT or Rush will be fed to big angry fat pigs!
Same PO Box Please.
Also pleas send whatever book sar e on your nightstand. We are very need literacy. What books you read, let us know? Amazon gift vouchers also OK.
Thanks
Obekoro Critical Mick
|
Concerned for Geddy Lee's safety, Monte had asked a friend who was knowledgable about computer security to examine the emails. That friend finally got back to him. An email, it turns out, can be traced back to the physical location from where it was sent. Obekoro Critical Mick Kruneri" was writing from a rainy European island nicknamed "The Rip-off Republic", not from Liberia, Burkino Fasu, or The Ivory Coast at all! These West African countries did develop the "419 Scam" but as an entertaining site revealed, today's Internet crooks are a world-wide menace who operate from every continent. Monte became mildly suspicious.
|
Dear Mr. Kruneri,
When I scrolled down and saw the picture of Rush behind bars, milk shot out my nose. This was shocking, since I haven't had a sip of milk in two weeks. I'm going to hold off on sending more money at this point. Despite my conservative leanings, I feel less motivated to help than I felt after the first kidnapping. I'll send you my account information later. (My wife has the checkbook right now.)
Thanks for asking about The Machine Man Letters. The story follows an everyday office worker who foils a robbery attempt by clobbering a thug with the only makeshift weapon available: a gumball machine. News of the event spreads, and boring ol' cubicle man is transformed (at least in his own mind) into Machine Man. As his obsession with gumball machines grows, he embarks on a journey of fear, love, and self-actualization. Basically, the book is just an autobiography with a few names changed to protect those with restraining orders. I tried to skirt the issue of gum control as much as possible so as not to alienate any of my seven fans.
The stack of books on my "nightstand" (which is made of white porcelain and has a chrome handle) includes the 2007 Guide to Literary Agents, Motor Trend, and Popular Science. Maybe not what you expected. I don't read nearly enough, but the last novel I finished was 2001: A Space Odyssey, by Arthur C. Clarke. A few of my favorite writers are Gordon R. Dickson, Michael Crichton, Edgar Allan Poe, Greg van Eekhout, Neal Peart, Bruce Holland Rogers, and Eric M. Witchey.
Well, take care. Please tell Rush I said hi.
Later,
Monte
|
There was just one more message from the person claiming to be O Critical Mick:
|
DEAR $800m WINNER
One final piece of red tapes to be erased: our finance controller needs to receive:
Your mother's maiden name
Your online stock trading password
Your passport (original, not copy) with the photo carefully removered
Katy Texas's passport (original, not copy) with the photo carefully removered
$18,000.00 fee
1 box of cookies made from Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream
(remove dough from ice cream, bake dough, mail cookies)
If it is easier way to pay the $18,000.00 I will provide premium line phone number for you to call, just dial and stay on the line for 1,976 hours.
Obekoro Critical Mick
|
This mail was, however, never received by esteemed author Monte Davis. It was discovered by police in the Outbox of computer at a bizarre crime scene. To excerpt the next day's local tabloid:
|
Gardai Vow To Work Double Overtime in Wake of Outrage
Dublin officers temporarily stationed at The Keatingstown House made a shocking discovery last night when called assist with a disturbance at a local flat. Local pizza delivery boy Alex Lifeson had arrived with a specially-ordered pie only to find the homeowner unwilling to pay or even come to the door. These responding Gardai battered their way in, only to find the homeowner incapacitated.
"An intruder had bashed his scabby skull open!" Lifeson later told this paper in an EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW. "Crikey, what a mess. After I pointed out the bits of brain, the cops confiscated the pizza for evidence. That comes out of my salary. Stupid anchovy-ordering plonker, I'm glad someone gave him his fair due upside the head!"
Brother officers from the Technical Bureau swiftly examined the scene, finding several travel brochures and lightly-thumbed guidebooks on Africa. A computer was preserved for examination. Strangest of all, the floor of the room was scattered with hundreds of brightly-colored balls of an unknown (non-brain) chewy substance.
More than a dozen passports were found hidden in the flat, all containing the photo of the dead man but in different names. Even with this picture, Keatingstown Gardai have made little progress.
"We didn't rightly know what to carve on his headstone," the assistant to the State Pathologist admitted. "Down at the headquarters of the investigation we downed a few brandies just before closing time and settled on 'WANKER,' It's as good as he deserved. Stupid identity-stealing, anchovy-ordering plonker."
As yet, no arrest has been made and no file forwarded to the Director of Public Prosecutions. But rest easy, dear readers, This distasteful murder merits many late nights ahead for the officers of Keatingstown. Investigators have vowed to meet back at their temporary headquarters tomorrow night to compare notes until 12:30 AM.
|
As evidenced by the fact he asked for an easily-available item like a maiden name, the deceased identity thief was crap at research. This was his undoing. Though working to steal Monte Davis' cash and identity, he had not read his target's fine novella.
The final letter's climatic battle pits the machine-swinging hero against a team of 419 scammers. You guess if there's a happy ending to the story.
The Machine Man Letters is available for a mere five bucks from Sam's Dot Publishing. In June 2007, the REAL Critical Mick read this short work and gave it its rightful place amid his Best Books Read in 2007. Mick has also read a few of Monte's other works. This guy is imaginiative, entertaining, decent and insightful. Critical Mick says: there ain't nobody that can steal what he's got.
|
