Critical Mick

Who the hell do you think you are?

My name is Mick Halpin. I'm a book fan, not an ad campaign.

What's the big idea?

Since May 2005, this site has offended snooty critics by offering book reviews that non-intellectuals will understand. UNRULY REVIEWS. The rules of proper diction can bite my ass.

Come now, Mick. There's actually very little CRITICISM in any of these so-called reviews.

OK, then think of it as an experiment. Reviews as entertaining as the books themselves.

I still don't get it.

Good fiction exists to ask questions. These are my answers.

What qualifications do you have?

None! Just like Average Joe Reader.

Have you ever even met an actual author?

Have a read or listen to the proof for yourself! When not pestering authors for e-mail interviews I do the odd guest-hosting gig for writingshow.com, Paula B's podcast program featuring interesting people from all points on the publishing sphere.

So do you do this book critic thing full time?

Hell no. I have nine-to-fiver. Real straightforward shit. Corporate. Procedural.

Are you the same Mick Halpin who used to help edit that magazine?

No! That guy didn't wear glasses! I do, see?

PS It's a long publishing tradition for disgruntled submitters to slay rejecting editors in reverse-alphabetical order. And skip the letter H.

OK, expert. What makes a good story? What homespun rubrick do you use for evaluations?

Like I told Danbrown: I calls 'em like I sneeze 'em. This big fat gut is not good for much, but I trust its instict.

Question for the gut, then: what's in a good book?

Originality. Humor. Emotional impact. Truth. Honesty. Attitude. Relevance. Illumination.

Check out the annual Best awards to get a feel for real quality.

"Critical Mick Best Book Read in..." lacks the catchy ring of an Edgar, an Agatha, a Shamus.

They're called an "Oo," as in "book" or "unrooly." You know, the sound made when impressed?

The awards look like this: and they are made of pixels, not gold.

What pisses the gut off?

Clichés. Unoriginality. Hype. Pretentious shite.

Who are your all-time favorite authors?

Brian Moore. T Boy.

Why do you waste your time with all the crappy amateur fiction from places like Critters?

That's where the heart is. Writers compelled by what they have to say, not churning out any old forulaic muck for a paycheck.

The small press contains some of the best, most inventive writing produced today. I'm proud to promote talent like Adam McGrath and publications like NFG Magazine.

What's with all the Irish books? And how come I never heard of any of those Irish guys except Bram Stoker?

I was born smack dab in the middle of America, but Ireland is where I live. Enough sites already laud big dead giants like James Joyce and Oscar Wilde. I'm highlighting Ireland's overlooked, equally noteworthy literary talent, and I'm doing it in my own words.

So what young up-and-comers do you recommend?

Colin Bateman. John Connolly. Neville Thompson. Julie Parsons. Kevin Stevens. Alex Barclay. Michael Dibden.

Over in the US, I believe in Erin Hart, Elizabeth McCracken, and Mr. Jonathan Lethem. Their stars are rising so brightly, I can see 'em from here.

You've completely missed the point of W or X's masterpiece, Y or Z. Did you even read the book?! The f*&king mammoth / farting crossdresser / talk show you shat out and called a review is not even funny.

Yeah. I'm a bit of an idiot.

Your reviews are interminable and self-indulgent. This is the Internet age! I'm too busy to stick around for, like, more then ten seconds to read a page.

To facilitate today's short attentioon spans, an image designates Actual Critical Content. Skim through to these! Also: important points are often boldfaced.

Remove your critique immediately!

No.

I hate you, Critical Mick.

Your comment is as unoriginal as Michael Underwood. Wouldn't your insult sting more sharply if it was fresh and strong, original, relevant, clever? Write back with one that no other author could have penned.

Hey, I've written a book! Will Critical Mick read it, write up a review, and give me free publicity?

I'm both kind and stupid. This site's intended to highlight Irish crime, but I've been tempted by tons of cool things. Drop an e-mail to mick @ mickhalpin dot com and I'll reply with an oo baby or shove off, depending on the size of the stack on my nightstand. Standard disclaimer:

(1) My reviews seldom follow the bog-standard synopsis/analysis/plug format. Anyone can do that, and generally not very well. I aim to get the same info across by ways that are as innovative and entertaining as the novels themselves.... not succeeding very well, usually. Ah well, it's a cheaper hobby than gambling and the death threats are few.

(2) I always give an honest opinion.

My masterpiece is in .pdf format. Or an unpublished manuscript inked on bathtowels. Will Critical Mick unravel it and post a great gushing review?

Sorry. My eyes can't take that. I need a good, solid book to enjoy the old fashioned way.

After being struck on the head by a hailstone the size of Blarney Castle, I find myself thinking Critical Mick is great! How can I contribute to this site's magnificence? Is there a PayPal donations link?

That's a mighty big hailstone. Go lie down before you start voting George W. Bush.

When you come to your senses, please tell any mates in your circle about Critical Mick, or add a link to that your own site's visitors can drop by. Hopefully they'll get a kick out of it.

If you need to spend a wad of cash before the taxman enforces that writ of seizure, treat yourself to a recommended title by an up-and-comer who needs your support. All the book images are linked to Amazon.com or Amazon.co.uk.

Everyone will think I am cool if Critical Mick "friends" me on my social networking site. Let's link up!!

I'm even worse at keeping those sites updated than I am with this one. Allow me to extend the invite, though, to join the Irish Crime Fiction group on Facebook. It's home to fellow crime fic fans who are much cooler than me.

What is your heart's third fondest wish?

The Alzheimer Society of Ireland does excellent work caring for the 40,000 people affected by the disease in this country. I have organized an auction of signed books to benefit the ASI and would love the participation and support of fellow book fans. Please click for details!

What is your heart's eighth fondest wish?

I'd love to have a villain named after me.

Did you just wink at me?

Yes. There's secret bonus *stuff* hidden in these pages.

What else can be found on this website?

Advice and opinions about ex-pat life in Dublin. Most of it reeeallly out of date. Ocassional diatribes about the madness that I gets up to... probably only of interest to my Mom. An online computer repair course (there's no money in the publishing biz.) A button.