Crime Lords
Paul Williams
Merlin Publishing, 2003
Exclusive! The Truth About True Crime
Blam! Blam! Blam! Unruly reviewer "Critical" Mick Halpin, one fateful December night in 2005, set out for a few pints on the town- unaware that his night of celebrations would end in twisted tragedy. The young man was not a native to Ireland. He did not know that his chosen part of town- the new communities between Lucan and Clondalkin, on Dublin’s sprawling suburbs- is home to a new breed of savage criminals the violent likes of which Ireland has never seen.
Crime Lords
"I always thought Mick was kinda thick," one source confided on condition of anonymity. "He probably thought West Dublin was all thatch roofs, bogs and leprechauns. Me arse! Good luck to ya, if you're going around believing tha.'"
CCTV cameras, later accessed by the investigators based in Ronanstown Garda Station, clearly show that the self-proclaimed literary critic did not know his way to Courtney's, the well-frequented pub in Lucan village. Mick was seen walking into crime black-spot Neilstown, his nose buried in a book that has been identified as Crime Lords by renowned Sunday World reporter Paul Williams.
Police Interview Youth in Connection
Dylan "Daffodil" Magill, a small-time drug pusher, heroin addict and occasional muscle for the notorious Shaw gang, was captured on film confronting the unwary intruder. Arrested under Section 195 of the Taxes Consolidation Act for a prior incident, Magill was detained in Ronanstown Garda Station and interviewed by Detective Sergeant Peter Brennan. He offered the following statement in an attempt to reduce the charges against himself: "Yeah, so I was having a gab with that Critical Mick fellow on the night in question. I blocked his way, raised me fist and said:
"May I gather, O peripatetic bibliophile, that you've an interest in the heinous felonies that run rife in this era subsequent to the demise of the Celtic Tiger?"
The fat bastard said Oh golly indeed I do. I have to date perused two of Mr. Williams' other fine titles and recommend them most highly. Shocking and dastardly both!
The tape of the interview breaks at this point and then resumes with Daffodil Magill voluntarily offering a correction: "Mick, yeah, I recall it right now, actually just gawped, then put on this quare Groucho Marx disguise. I bends his ear:
"Examine, sir, the worn state of my apprentice carpentry toolset's chisel, displayed close before your eye! Is the scour of poverty not Hibernian society's true crime? I offer you the opportunity to help redistribute wealth toward under-resourced communities like my own. Please alleviate yourself of your wallet, forthwith and too right!"
At this point, the twelve-hour period for which authorities are permitted to detain Section 195 offenders elapsed. Detective Sergeant Brennan recalls grilling Magill outside as he waited for his ma to collect him. "I called [Magill] a cute hoor for filling up the statutory twelve hours with all them long-winded words. I asked the smart bollocks if he'd learned that trick from Paul Williams' writing. Daffodil just grinned those broken teeth at me and said, 'Me arse! Paul Williams' Crime Lords comes in the same tabloid style that's made him a household name. It's split up into ten sections tha' can each stand on their own. It's an easy read, even for pigs who've only got little words.' At that point my mother beeped the horn and I had to go. That Magill had better not have robbed the station clean again, after I left!"
Near Escape from Death. Convict Denies Shotgun Possession
After parting company with the young addict and thief, Critical Mick disappeared from Garda view. His subsequent whereabouts were unknown. One report places him in the notorious North Wall community of Dublin's docklands. It is doubtful that he could have eluded all notice and made it to the Spain's Costa Del Sol, better known as a gangster haven Costa Del Crime. Critical Mick later surfaced in the severely economically depressed housing estates of Quaryvale. Enclosed by steel fences, these neglected neighbourhoods cling to the outskirts of the Liffey Valley Shopping Centre lands illegally rezoned by several multi-millionaire disgraced politicians who cannot be named here for legal reasons.
"I'm telling you this, right, because I want you to print my side of the story," spoke a caller who identified himself as Barry "Brick Shithouse" Shelton. "I saw this wanker come into my road. He was reading a book, right, so I figured he was up to no good. I grabbed the nearest thing to hand- it was the pipe from me old one's hoover, not a shotgun like some nutters are claiming- and went to knock the shite out of him. 'I'm Brick Shithouse Shelton, most evil bastard in Dublin!' I yelled, right, and went to give him a clatter. But he must have had practice ducking, right. All he did was thumb through this Paul Williams book and look confused.
"Get this, right- he asked me which chapter I was in. I said chapter of what, the rotary club? He meant of the Crime Lords book. It says that the most evil bastard in Ireland is Shane Coates of the infamous Westies gang (Chapter 10), whose ruthless campaign of extreme violence terrorized into submission any rivals to his drug empire. I said, wha'? The wanker then went on, right, to say that he actually believed the crimes committed with complete impunity by Mickey "The Pimpernel" Green (Chapter 2) were worse yet. Or maybe it was drug dealer, pimp, and murderer "Cotton Eye" Joe Delaney. This bleeding book told all about how Cotton Eye built his racket, right, and all about the cops intent on bringing his crimes to light. We spent ten minutes thumbing through the chapters. I liked the two generous sections of black and white photos best. It's not that I can't read, right- I've even had a laugh in writing workshops with Neville Thompson- it's just I did time with some of the blaggers in those pics. Lots of me old thieving, torturing, drug-pushing friends!"
"Anyway, any tout wha' blabs I did in Critical Mick, it's a lie! In that book on True Crime there's not a single mention of Barry "Brick Shithouse" Shelton as the most evil bastard of anywhere, so I wasn't allowed. Last I saw of Mick he waddled off toward Lucan village without a single hair touched on his fat ugly head. Right!" The phone slammed down.
Unruly Review Meanders
The Garda Station in Lucan village was headquarters for Detective Inspector Felix McKenna (now head of the Criminal Assets Bureau) in the pursuit of reviled drug lord John Gilligan. This fact has no proven connection to the course of this review, but is an example of how Crime Lords is pumped up to steroid bulk with events, incidents and figures in Paul Williams’ other true crime books.
A proponent of recycling and well-known to employ plugs himself, Critical Mick entered the East End Take-Away in Lucan’s Main Street at 12:18 AM. Patrons, fresh from local pubs Courtneys, Kennys and O’Neill’s, remember a man breathing heavily and sweating profusely.
"You sure can’t put that book down, wha?" a friendly patron remembers asking. Perhaps spooked by Crime Lords’ chilling contents into seeing brutal thugs, murderers and villains everywhere, the man identified as Critical Mick shrieked and bolted from the chipper without collecting his cod portion.
No charges were filed.
Ruling Handed Down
Later that evening Critical Mick travelled to the upscale Laraghcon estate. Footprints in the newly-landscaped grounds of High Court Judge Clive Fish were forensically examined, confirming the presence of the trespasser. What follows is a transcript of Judge Fish’s confrontation:
Judge Fish: Clear off, knacker!
Critical Mick: Yikes! (Trips over his feet, bashes his head off the exotic Japanese Ki Carp fish pond.)
Judge Fish: Ah, Christsake! Come inside. I’ll get a plaster for that cut. (Staggers past the stable and paddock, through beautifully manicured gardens, to the palatial mansion with its fully-equipped bar.)
Critical Mick: Wow, Mister! This is one ritzy joint! It’s like something from the book I’ve just finished, Crime Lords!
Judge Fish: (pours two large Jamesons) Oh, that’s a Paul Williams that ye were concealing your nose in? Full of stories of ecstasy tablets, lethal 9mm Heckler and Koch MP5 machine guns and stolen high-powered BMWs no doubt.
Critical Mick: And the inside story on the Limerick feud! All the straight-talk that RTE news leaves out.
Judge Fish: Ye couldn’t get your nose out of it?
Critical Mick: The book contains a wealth of detail on the seedy side of Irish society, plus Garda procedure in-depth. Paul Williams’ reporting on the INLA was a particular eye-opener. Golly!
Judge Fish: Ye like crime, then?
Critical Mick: Yes, certainly! Julie Parsons’ Mary, Mary, Erin Hart’s Lake of Sorrows, Claire Kilroy’s All Summer- many of the most interesting books I have read all year involve nasty doings here in Dublin. Crime Lords reveals the truth behind the fiction.
Judge Fish: Oh I’ve got a wee bit of truth for you. I’ve not forgotten the grievous, tragic damage to my property. (cocks shotgun)
Critical Mick: Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!
Judge Fish: Ye like true crime books so much? I’ll put you in one, ya bastard! Now run!
(Blam!)
(Blam!)
(Blam!)
(Blam!)
Verdict
Paul Williams’ Crime Lords gets four gunblasts and a sixteen-year sentence, with the last fourteen years suspended.
Critical Mick is not some jerk who gets off on stories of murder and cruelty. He has great respect for Paul Williams' bravery and talent. Crime Lords, like Williams' previous work, is an eye-opener.
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